The Myth of Confidence: and How to Build It

I seem to coach and speak to a lot of people who tell me they lack confidence.

It seems ironic how, as someone who coaches people through building confidence, I also lack confidence at times!

This got me curious why some people can stand up on a stage in front of hundreds of people, set up a business with no guarantee of success, approach a stranger at a bar, or skydive out of a plane – seemingly without hesitation – whilst others would merely tremble at the concept.

We might think that confidence is a personality trait or something we’re born with, perhaps even an absence of fear. In reality, it’s a skill that, like resilience, is developed intentionally and with practice. Waiting for it to appear in a puff of smoke before taking action might also be costing us dearly in our work, health, relationships and personal growth.

So… how do we build our confidence?

1) Commitment to the cause

Last week I went to a popular wild-swimming spot with friends. There’s a 5-metre high jump which people, of all ages, jump off into the deep clear water below. I’ve done it twice before. This time however, my legs shook and my mind got the better of me as I stood above the sheer drop. Frozen. All despite throwing myself out of a plane at 14,000ft on a skydive a few weeks ago!

Before the skydive, I asked my instructor what happens if people change their minds. He said, quite bluntly: “Well, you’re strapped to me, and I’m going down!”

So, what was different? This time there was an obvious, easy choice. I wasn’t fully committed. And I didn’t have a strong enough reason or desire to make that choice or take the risk. It was also acknowledging that we’re human, and should focus on progress rather than perfection. What are you willing to move towards?

2) Confidence follows courage and taking action

Waiting for confidence to take action is like waiting for laughter before telling the joke. It’s about reducing a particular action to something less daunting and manageable enough to take the first small step and get the ball rolling. We need to keep repeating these steps and showing up. Each step creates momentum, reduces fear and motivates more action, which brings us closer to our goal.

3) Competence builds confidence

As a stammerer, my ability to speak fluently on stage depends on preparation, and hours of practice and rehearsal. In running, you get confidence through training and simulating race effort. As a coach, I tell my athletes that they can only control being on the start line as prepared as they possibly can – and being 100% confident might even cause complacency. If you’re not prepared to do the work, I’m afraid you can’t truly expect to feel confident.

4) Confidence comes from experience

The experience we gain from previous actions and events becomes our reference point or yardstick. Therefore it’s probably natural to lack confidence or feel impostor syndrome when you’re doing something new. That’s a sign of growth. But we all have previous wins and challenges we’ve overcome, even if the context is completely different. These give us reassuring evidence that we can draw from in future: “I’ve survived worse before – I’ve got this“. The catch is you need to get experience by taking action – see point 2 above…

5) Confidence is specific – and not permanent

After my water jumping cop-out I reflected how I can manage to skydive (and do many other scary things) and fail to do something comparitively benign. The same applies to professional speaking: I can happily speak to 300 people on a stage, yet blush, block and stammer whilst buying a bus ticket or enduring one of those pre-conference networking dinners. The truth is I have much more practice with the former.

Confidence can also be lost temporarily after a difficult experience: a setback, a breakup, redundancy or health problem. Get back on the wagon as quickly as possible: these provide corrective experiences rather than validating unhelpful beliefs.

6) Change your narrative

Confident people still fail and struggle – they just frame it differently. Instead of “I’m hopeless at X” or “I’m not a confident person“, try thinking “I’m still a beginner” or “I’m more than capable” and adopting a growth mindset towards the situation. How we speak to and hold ourselves, perhaps taking a breath or with a little pep talk, can make a huge difference to how confident we feel. Olympian Michael Phelps is well known for his pre-competition mental rehearsals and visualizations.

Taking action…

This week, ask yourselves the following questions:

• What’s one thing that scared me?
• What’s one thing I’ve learned?
• What’s one thing I’m proud of?
• What’s one challenge I’ll attempt next week?

Please let me know your thoughts in the comments, and what confidence means to you.